I haven’t really posted anything about my grief journey as I have felt I wasn’t ready to share as it is such a vulnerable experience and also I feel like I have carried a lot of shame around it also, which is super scary to admit to, let alone write about it.
The truth is though it is normal, all the emotions that grief brings with it, yet it is never spoken about or normalised, I wish to change that. I am not an angry person, I never have been, yet when my mum passed away the rage that I harboured was extreme. I felt angry at the world, angry at my family, angry at her for leaving me and I really didn’t know what to do with these feelings so I isolated myself. In society anger isn’t accepted so I internalised it, which did me much more harm than good and nearly 4 years on I am still experiencing what internalising these feelings of anger, fear, shame, resentment has done to me.
Grief is eye opening, it really is, especially deep grief and when you’re grieving multiple people/ things at once and that was what I was going through. No body ever talks about it, I hardly talk about it unless its to my own Holistic Counsellor or Husband as who wants to talk about sad hard things? After mum passed away all I wanted to do was talk, I needed to get how I was feeling out of me like this bubbling inside was festering and I was about to explode. I wanted to acknowledge mum in normal conversation, I didn’t want to go around as if she didn’t exist. But this was not the case for me, my family avoided me as they were not ready to talk and I get it, they didn’t want my strong emotional self to trigger their emotional side it’s hard to be vulnerable. I also didn’t want to be that person who just was sad and miserable to her friends and be a burden. It became very isolating, for many grief brings loneliness, loneliness at a time when you need to be filled with love and support. This loneliness also comes from people not knowing what to say or do to help you. Especially if those surrounding you have never lost someone, or was told to get on with their grief through conditioning and has offered you that same courtesy. It is such a shame as there are so many of us grieving out there. It shouldn’t be a solo experience, although it feels at the time that no one understands what you are going through, they may not have had the exact same experience as you did but guaranteed they have had similar feelings arise.
Before ever grieving and finding out for yourself, no one tells you the painful icky parts like, for the first 2 years I cried myself to sleep every night, that’s if I could even sleep and after that it still happened but less frequently. During the first year every part of my mind replayed her death, how much I missed her and that she was no longer here. Having that on constant replay was not something I was prepared for, I was walking around with a living nightmare going on in my head. This led to depression and anxiety. At times I was so fearful about someon